Smells like poop

Keep your mouth turned off and raise your hand if you thought that Mrs. Hoover was eaten alive by 28 adorable Kindergarteners and that's why she didn't post all weekend. Oh, no....keep your mouth turned off and just raise your hand, please. Thank you. Good job, boys and girls!

Amazing how two days of Kindergarten has turned me into a soft-speaking, question-asking, insane person who only wants you to make the right choice and therefore receive only the best consequences for your decisions. And keep your mouth quiet when we're on the rug doing calendar, dadgummit.

And I was so very tempted to tell the youth in Sunday School this morning to give themselves a hug when they were going to class.

Oy vey.

Right now, right here, I salute you, teachers. I don't know how you people DO that for a living! Don't get me wrong, I'm not utterly miserable, but at the same time I don't get any great satisfaction or gratification from it, nor do I feel like my life will be complete if I make it my career choice. (Sorry, Mom.) (She was really hoping this would be a turning-point for me.)

There were 27 on the class list as of Wednesday evening during Open House. Thursday morning one boy didn't show, but mid-morning I got two to replace him. I wasn't aware of a two-for-one deal, but evidently there was. Coumadin Man's darling wife was a lifesaver, as well as dear old Mrs. Retired Teacher, who were both full-time aides in the class with me for those harrowing first two days. With 28 four, five and six-year olds you can't do much more than crowd control and prayer. Lots of prayer.

By tomorrow there is supposed to be another classroom open and 8 of my little darlings are going adios, kinders. That will bring me down to a much less scary and hopefully more manageable 20 precious angels, some of whom have springs in their buttocks and cannot stay in a seat to save their lives.

I made the mistake of wearing my brown sandals on Thursday. Now, these brown sandals are oh-so-cute and I have had them for probably five years now, but in addition to being cute, these sandals are insanely heavy. If I were a conspiracy theorist I'd think someone had hidden gold doubloons in the soles or something. Or maybe they are secret transmitters for the CIA. Who knows. Those suckers are heavy, regardless. I didn't realize how badly my legs hurt until I got in my car to go home. After I turned the car off in the driveway I just sat for awhile because I just wasn't sure I had the ability to move any further. I made it into the house finally and began stripping off clothing (bra was right after those blasted sandals), poured myself a gigantic glass of iced tea and busied myself with my kids and Tater's tots, making sure I didn't sit down again.

By the time Tater picked up her tots I was feeling it, but trudge onward I did. I fixed dinner, cleaned it up, started the dishwasher, herded my children to the showers, read a chapter of Harry Potter to Sam and a couple of books to KD, filled out all of the forms needed for my oldest to attend Middle School, wrote down a list of the supplies she still needed, took off my makeup, tucked in my kids and collapsed into my bed before 9.

Paul came through and tossed his pillow at me. I wearily pulled the pillow off my face and said, "Honey, you do realize that we are not doing it tonight. Right?" (as if pillow-throwing was our secret sign for nookie or something) He kissed me on the forehead and said, "It's pretty bad when 28 five year olds wear you out and I don't even get a chance." Then he went to watch the Olympics, horny and alone. Bless his heart.

Friday was better because I wore the ever-so-cute J. Crew flipflops that Lori gave me during our MOM'S GETAWAY WEEKEND. Ohmahgosh, those flipflops are like walking on marshmallows. I'm seriously thinking about wearing them with socks this winter. Okay, no I'm not really, but they are amazingly comfortable. The day flew by much faster and while the springy-bottomed children were still Tiggerific, my feet felt better, therefore I handled the springiness better. Mrs. Retired Teacher insisted I leave the classroom with her and Mrs. Coumadin for a break mid-morning since I didn't leave it the day before, except to run to the restroom once. I am not a joiner, y'all know that, so I didn't stay long, but at least I mingled for a few minutes.

One revelation that did come to me mid-day on Friday was that Kindergarten smells like poop. I have three children and ya know, I don't recall them ever smelling perpetually of poopiness, but these kids do. They just tootie at will all over the place! I heard 'em do it! What the heck? Do they all eat beans for dinner? And breakfast? It boggles the mind. All I can figure is that is a concentration of poopiness that makes it so pronounced.

I called Cousin Courtney after school on Friday for some tips, hints and pointers about transitioning because these kids just fall the heck apart when we go from one activity to another. She gave me some ideas and bolstered my confidence once more and then I promptly put Kindergarten out of my mind so I could begin to enjoy my weekend.

Yesterday I enjoyed it so much I stayed in my pajamas all day. In fact, when Sam and I were chatting last night around 11, I was still in the previous night's pajamas. Please don't think less of me - I'm normally a prompt bather. I just didn't have any energy in me yesterday. The kids and I laid around and watched TV, played on the computer and napped throughout the day. My Sam had been sick the night before, up all night with the puking, so we wouldn't have accomplished much anyway.

Today was church. We were going to go fishing with one of my step-sisters, but Paul fell asleep in his recliner after lunch and wouldn't wake up (selective wakening, methinks) so the kids rested and I napped yet again. We turned our air conditioner off last week when the temps were down in the 70's and we just hate to turn it back on again even though it's 90 again, so needless to say, the house is hot. You don't want to exert too much energy anyway. It's almost like we've gone green with all the energy we're not using around here.

I'm excited about this week, though. Since the class will be smaller I will actually get to teach! I know, who knew such things went on at school? Last week, the lesson plans were modified because the other Kindergarten teacher had 28 as well and really, nothing could've been accomplished anyway. But with 20 tomorrow we will get to do phonics and math and all sorts of other teach-y, school-y things.

Now, give yourself a pat on the back and find your chair without touching your neighbor.