Redneck Momma

This morning only Sam walked with Abby down to the end of the driveway to catch the bus for summer school. Usually Kady goes, too, but she was sleeping in this morning. After the bus picked his big sister up, Sam and Biscuit headed back up to the house because Magic Schoolbus was coming on any! minute! and heaven forbid he miss a second of Miss Frizzle shrinking a classroom full of school children and heading into the abyss of the human intestine.

I saw him coming up the driveway, but was working on checking my email and didn't just sit and watch him every second. I mean, he's 9 after all; he's big enough to walk up the driveway on his own. Kady got up in the meantime and planted herself on the part of my legs not covered by my laptop. In the back of my head I wondered what was taking him so long, glanced out and saw Biscuit and him running in circles about halfway up the driveway. Ah, a boy and his dog. A little later, again I wondered what was taking him so long, but figured they were still playing.

All of the sudden the front door busted open and Sam threw himself inside, bawling his head off. The last time he entered the house like that he had just run the four-wheeler through the barbed wire fence and broke his arm. While I knew he hadn't been riding the four-wheeler I instantly wondered which bone he had broken this time and how he had done it.

My thoughts turned from broken bones to the last time I watched Survivor Man and instantly wished I'd paid more attention when Sam said, "There's a snake in the driveway!" and then some more unintelligible words that my freaked-out mind interpreted as "I have been bitten by a crazed poisonous snake and am moments away from death." I did a quick scan over him and didn't see fang marks or blood or snake dangling from his flesh but then I heard him wail something about Biscuit.

Oh holy heck, I just knew that my son had witnessed his dog getting bitten by a snake and oh my gosh, how much therapy is this going to take to get over?

I finally managed to interpret what he was saying and surmised that indeed there was a snake in the driveway, Biscuit and the boy were both okay and it still might take some therapy to get over. As he wiped his tears he said, "Mom, I stood there in the driveway yelling and yelling at you and you never came!" Yes, just send my Mother of the Year award to my home address, thanks. Now that the air conditioner is running you really can't hear anything outside and well....I let my boy down big time. I foresee a trip to McDonald's in our near future.

Now, normally I sleep in pajama pants or shorts and a t-shirt, but last night I was hot (no, not that kind of hot) and put on my only nightshirt when I got ready for bed. I totally regretted that decision as I headed out the front door in the 25 mile and hour winds with my son's pellet gun in hand. In the few moments it took me to head across the yard to where the snake was and successfully scare the snake into the brush before ever getting a shot in, I also gained like, major cool points in the eyes of my son for trying.

And man, am I glad we don't have any neighbors. Because I think there was a partial moon over Ottawa County this morning. 25 mile and hour winds and night shirts are a bad combination. Almost as bad as 9 year olds and snakes.