Comedy of Errors, Part 2

Okay, so remember how a couple of weeks ago my life took a nosedive? Oh you don't? Well, it's more than fresh in my mind, but if you need a reminder, read this post.

Well, now we can add to this list:

Husband gets not one but TWO -- count dem TWO! TWO vunderful kidney stones! MUAH HAHAHAHAHAH *thunder/lightning* -- kidney stones making their way from Kidneyville to Bladdertown and then making their way right on through through Urethraburg.

Good times await us here at the Hoover Ranch.

This morning I had texted him making sure that the weekend that Lori and I had planned our First Ever Girls' Weekend Without Husbands and Kids where there will be much laptopping and casinoing and I'm sure tons of laughter was still okay with him. He called me, instead of texting back, you know, so I could get the full effect. He sighed dramatically and said, "Well, a whole bunch of us from work were planning on going canoeing that weekend.....but I guess if you'd rather go with Lori.......I understand. *sigh* I know you've been looking forward to this for a long time...... I'll just canoe alone......" People, I wanted to hit him with the very phone he was talking on and then maybe again with mine for good measure.

I angrily texted Lori whining, complaining, venting, etc. about my asshat husband and after the text was sent I still fumed on the inside. When my phone rang again and I saw that it was him it took everything in me to not answer, "What do you want, asshat?" I'm so glad I didn't. In fact, I answered with a very pleasant "Hello" and when I heard nothing on the other end, another cheerful "Hello?" Finally the silence was broken by my husband's voice, teeth clenched in obvious pain as he asked, "What does a kidney stone feel like?"

Hey, I've had a kidney stone. It's not something you ever forget. Naturally, someone who has had one is a perfect source of valuable comparitive pain information. After a few questions, it was decided by me (I'm not a doctor, but I play one on my blog and sometimes in real life) that indeed, he had a kidney stone. I asked, "What do you want me to do?" His answer was a very quiet, but very determined, "Come get me." Now, my husband is not a medicine-taker, a complainer about ailments and maladies, etc. He just deals with it. He's a pretty quiet guy and doesn't get too riled up about much of anything. But this? This was kickin' his ass and takin' his name.

I immediately told KD and Sam to get their shoes on, called the school and asked the principal to get Ab out of class and have her ready for me when I pulled up, I texted Mom and Pops, called Tater, then called Bub (yes, my ex-brother-in-law) to see if he could meet me at the hospital to get the kids, called my mother-in-law who didn't answer, called work (today was supposed to be my last day) then flew southward. I picked up Ab, answered many, many questions about kidney stones on the 10 minute drive from the school to the casino, including the one that my son asked - "Mom, can Dad die from a kidney stone?" to which I answered, "No, but he'll feel like he wants to," then wheeled into the parking lot to retrieve my hurting husband.

I checked in at the back security desk and they said he was in the bathroom because he'd been vomiting uncontrollably since he'd called me. Finally he emerged with his manager holding him up because he could hardly walk. We got him loaded, I asked him his hospital preference (he didn't care) (in fact, he asked if I'd just shoot him right there) then drove toward Miami. Bub met me in the lobby to get the kids, I got Paul checked in while he writhed and gritted his teeth and moaned about wanting a bullet to the head.

Of course, they never move fast enough when you're hurting and it didn't take long for Paul to get incredibly frustrated with the questions about family history of Tuberculosis and diabetes and migraines and finally he just let me answer. He was too busy writhing around on the bed anyway. I SO remember that writhing - there is no possible way to get comfortable and moving seems to be the only source of comfort and even that hurts, but you do it anyway. Finally the doctor popped in, agreed that it was more than likely a stone, ordered some demerol and x-rays and went about his merry way. In the time between ordering the meds and the nurse getting them Paul started with the vomiting again. I don't handle vomit well, so I just tried to think happy thoughts and not breathe or look at anything other than the floor.

The first round of Reglan/Toradol did nothing. They gave him Demerol which knocked the edge off and he slept for about 45 minutes. He woke up hurting, more Demerol, more writhing, more begging for a bullet, until finally the nurse gave him Morphine, then Morphine again. Eventually he was stoned, but still in pain. It was not a super cool fun afternoon.

The nurse, a four-time kidney stone veteran, was sympathetic and decided that he needed a CT scan and went to hunt down the doctor. While he was in CT I ran to the bathroom, grabbed a bag of Doritos (Cool Ranch!) and a Coke. He slept off his high while I watched I Love the 80's 3-D and texted Cousin Stacey, Lori and Mrs. Coach. If not for those women I'd have lost it this afternoon.

The CT revealed the two stones en route to their final destination PLUS two more in the kidney that will make their presence known at some point in the future. Oh yay. The doctor came in and offered him a Get Out of Jail Free card or an overnight (if not two) stay in the hospital. He suggested the overnight stay rather heavily for the simple fact they were having such a hard time controlling his pain. Normally Paul would've been like, "Hell NO I ain't stayin' in here overnight!" but instead he wearily looked at me and said, "I think I should stay." I kissed him on the forehead and said, "I agree."

If he doesn't pass the stones overnight tonight the urologist will be in to consult tomorrow and decide if surgery or lithotripsy are needed. He's still having trouble with the vomiting and even though they are pushing him to drink, drink, drink, he can't keep it down. He looked like hell when I left and it was really just about all I could do to not run back in there and crawl in bed with him and take care of my baby. But considering the kids were with me and trying hard to not freak out that their big strong daddy was in the hospital with an IV coming out of his arm and a roommate in the bed next to him and all of that was just rocking their little worlds to pieces, I instead kissed him, squeezed his hand and blinked back my tears. Those will be making their stage debut when I hit the bed in about 10 minutes I'm sure.

We arrived at the hospital 12:30 this afternoon and got settled in his room at about 6:45. It's been a long day. While I didn't do anything more than send 70-some text messages, hold the puke bag, rub his back and watch VH1 I am absolutely exhausted. He wanted me to spend the night with him, but at the same time knew I was tired and needed to rest at home. It was finally decided that I would go on home and spend the night with the kids, get Ab off to school in the morning and my mother-in-law is going to stay with them tomorrow.

While it's certainly not life-threatening, all prayers would be appreciated - for comfort, for not-needing-surgery, for peace......

Oh, and for money to drop out of the sky and directly into my bank account.

Because you know....I just quit my job.

Figures.



Lord, if you have those plans all worked out could you give me a preview of coming attractions? Because I really do have faith in You, but that whole being human thing is inconveniently making me freak out just a bit right now. I know You have it under control, but could you just let me in on the plans? I promise to act surprised and no one will know You told me ahead of time. Thanks. And amen.