Birth Control

Last week being youth camp, it was inevitable that the camp pastor was going to talk about sex with the kids. Sam has no clue what sex is all about, but the word itself is scandalous amongst 9 year old boys everywhere, so the minute the pastor said it, Sam's ears perked up. Abby and I have never officially had the sex talk, but I'm pretty sure she knows more than I give her credit for most of the time. However, Tater has done an exceptional job of keeping her kids innocent. And I mean innocent. TotTwo, being a boy, heard the word sex, looked around to see if anyone was going to make a big deal about it, saw that no one was, then went back to making his water bottle battle his Bible in the kind of make-believe war that you can only have when you are bored out of your mind and you're 8 years old.

But TotOne.....oh, that girl listened. She is 10 now and one of the most inquisitive children I've ever met. Sometimes her questions nearly drive me to pulling out my eardrums, but I try to remember that it's just how she is and how she's always been and she'll probably be a high-priced attorney someday and I hope she remembers her poor ol' Aunt Kiki when she's loaded. That being said, I covertly watched her during the entire sermon, which was very blunt, to the point and man, that dude pulled no punches. He laid it out there for those teens in a way that I really think they appreciated. Well, as much as teenagers appreciate being preached at about not having sex.

When the sermon was nearly over and he was about to dismiss us for lunch, the pastor said, "And I want you all to remember one very important thing - a Bayer aspirin is the most effective form of birth control you can ever use." All of the adults chuckled because we'd all probably heard that our entire lives. The youth, however, looked at each other, probably hopeful that there was a form of birth control they could get over the counter and their parents would never suspect. (Hey, I totally remember being young and horny) When he finally delivered the punch line and explained that if you hold an aspirin between your knees you won't get pregnant, the kids laughed, but I'm sure they were secretly disappointed. At least some of them, anyway.

It also didn't escape me that TotOne's eyebrow raised and her head cocked to one side and ohhhhh I knew there were going to be questions and many of them.

Sure enough, I hadn't taken two steps from my seat when I felt her tugging on my shirt. That eyebrow was still raised and I braced myself. I quickly prayed for guidance since Tater and I have vastly different methods of disclosure where our kids are concerned. I know this will come as a shock to you all, but I let it all out, I don't mince words, I tell it like it is. (I know. Who knew, huh?) Case in point, when I was close to delivery with Sam, my two-year-old Abby wanted to know how her little brother was going to come out. I explained that he would come out of my vagina. Tater and my mother were both UTTERLY APPALLED that my toddler was telling people she saw in Wal*Mart that her mommy had a "beegina" and a baby was going to come out of it. Tater is a great momma, but she doesn't agree with my no holds barred methods of explanation and I respect her for keeping her kids innocent as long as she possibly can.

However, I had no clue how in the world I was going to explain the Bayer aspirin method of birth control to my niece without a) making my sister want to kill me, b) making the child's head explode from the mere disclosure of more information than she's used to, or c) opening myself up to WAY more questions.

She matter-of-factly asked, "Aunt Kiki, how in the world can an aspirin between your knees keep you from getting pregnant?"

Without hestitation I replied, "TotOne, honey, if you keep an aspirin between your knees it makes it a lot easier to get down on your knees and pray."

Yesssss. I was proud of my response and while insanely vague and not-at-all the reply I'd have given my own children, I felt it was pretty good on-my-feet thinking. Until she raised that eyebrow again, looked off into the distance while the information processed.....then the lightbulb went off.

"Ohhhhh! So if I pray, I won't ever get pregnant? COOL!"

I heard about three other sponsors behind me snicker and one said, "Sweetie, millions of girls do that every month." I just put my arm around her and ushered her out of the Tabernacle and into the lunch line while I engaged her in a conversation about My Little Ponies.