...to coin a probably outdated word.
I got dissed.
Urban Dictionary.com defines the word three ways:
A - 1. Dissing someone is showing disrespect to them.
2. Being dissed is the act of being disconnected, by voice or by modem, from another party.
B - The act of putting someone down with words.
C - "Dis"missed impolitely .
I got C. I got dismissed. Shunned. In other words, completely ignored. And man, did it hurt.
I am not one of those people who is loved and liked by everyone. Believe it or not, despite my charming blog-self (I write this all tongue-in-cheek. I really don't think that highly of myself.), I can be a royal bitch. I have a few foes out there. They pretty much know who they are. And those that are the stand-out non-friends.... well, the feeling's pretty much mutual. It's fine by me and them.
But this dissing I got was totally out of the blue. It was a friend I'd gone to high school with and thought we were close. We've been through a hell of a lot over the years and in fact, had just had a 30 minute long phone conversation with her a week or so before the dissing occured. Not once did she act like she didn't want to talk to me on the phone or express having an issue with me.
Needless to say, I was stunned when she ignored me and my greeting. So stunned I was speechless. That is a hard task to accomplish with me. Tater was with me when it happened and while we were both shocked, the person wasn't as close to her as she was to me, so she was taken aback, but not as hurt as I was. I walked along for several aisles, mouth open, unable to talk. My first instinct was to cry, but the other holiday shoppers at Target probably wouldn't have appreciated my open bawling, so instead I just gripped the cart tighter and said nothing, did nothing. Finally Tater, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "You know it doesn't matter, right? You know that you don't need them if that's how they are going to treat you. Right?" And I nodded, blinked back the tears and said, "Yeah. I guess. But Tater.....why?" Being a true friend and a fabulous sister, she leaned her head on my shoulder and said, "You know you'll always have me, right?" When I turned to look at her, her blonde head resting on my shoulder, her green eyes blinking up at me dramatically, I couldn't help but laugh. I wanted to hug her right then and there, but again, the other holiday shoppers at Target probably wouldn't have appreciated a blatant sister hug-fest right then and there. It would've caused me to cry anyway. And boy howdy, would she have been embarrassed anyway.
And while I laughed it off right then with my little sister batting her eyelashes at me, I was sick to my stomach the rest of the time we were in the store because I was afraid I'd run into them again and how would I react? Would I say anything? Should I say anything?
I mentioned it to Mom the next day. My mother is such a kind soul. She has this empathy that I wish I had. Her answer to my "Why?" was, "Kristin, you just don't know what is going on in her life right now. Maybe she simply couldn't talk to you at that moment." I hadn't thought of that. And while that is very possible and all, I just can't help but think that maybe I just wasn't the kind of friend to her that I thought I was. Maybe she wasn't the friend I thought she was.
I have this opinion that if you are friends with someone, you are friends with them to the end. I'm talking true friends. Not just Mary Jo and Phyllis that you see a couple of times a month at a PTA meeting and have had a cup of coffee with a few times. No, I'm talking true friends that have been there for each other for years and years, have suffered through heart breaks, child loss, trying times with kids and husbands, struggling to find identities while being stay at home mommies - these are the guts of friendship. Crying to each other, screaming and yelling and then being forgiven, bad hair days, bad breath days, I just don't want to deal with it days - those are indeed the times that test friendships, but I always thought they were also the times that forged the friendship into someone stronger and infallible and well, forever.
I guess maybe I thought wrong.
7 comments:
Kristin, I'm sorry that you had to deal with that at Target! Of all places, Target is one of the happier places on earth. I hope you never move! When I moved out here, my Missouri friends treated it as "out of sight/out of mind" and acted as though I fell off the face of the earth. It's tough! I assumed they were my forever friends, but I guess not. You've always got your family, and they're pretty darn cool, I might add!
Sorry to learn of your dissing. Hang in there. Hold your piratey do-rag head high.
I've not had a true friend do that to me, but I've had work friends do that, which is bad enough for me. You know, the ones who are downright friendly when it's just the two of you...but then when someone 'better' shows up at the faculty meeting, you are dropped like a hot potato. A rotten, stinking, maggotty hot potato.
The closest I've had to this kind of betrayal was when my friend Bean asked my opinion on a very personal issue. Upon hearing my opinion, Bean told me that I was making up stuff, and not everybody was like me, and I would see that I was wrong. Umm...no. Now Bean sees that I was very right indeed, even psychic in my predictions. All is well again. I did not even say "I told you so." Bean made the first move to apologize, admitted I was right, and that I had only been giving my opinion AS REQUESTED. To me, it was not worth losing this friendship, even though I used to be one of those people who would cut you off in an instant and hold a grudge till the fat lady sang to the cows coming home.
You will have to think it through and decide if the friendship is worth salvaging. Most of mine would not have withstood the personal attack that I got. But this ONE did.
I agree with you, true friends should remain so forever, and stay open with communication. But then, I had the same situation, just as yours there, and I later found out that it was for the reason what your Mom said, my friend just couldn't talk, something had gone on in her life that was so consuming that if I had asked her how she was that she couldn't react in the normal manner....especially at the shops.
Darlin', you never know what is going on in someone else's head. We're lucky we can figure out what's goin' on in our own. . .
Darlin',
You just can't take these things so personally. Did you stop to think that this person just missed out on a wonderful chance to smile and laugh? I don't remember too many times upon meeting you and/or Tater out in public that I didn't get a big smile and at least a chuckle or two. This person blew it big time.
Next time you get dissed out in public, do what I do, yell out their name really loud and say something, anything. They might still snub you but they will be really embarrassed, too.
I used to tell the Cap'n things like your mom told you. He really got sick of it, but it is true. You do have a sweet and wise mother. Let her know as often as possible. Okay.
Keep that chin up, keep smiling, and don't fret about people who ignore you. It is their loss, not yours.
From one Diva to another - I'm a Suburbia Diva that used to wear combat boots - I understand what you are feeling and have been through it to. This too shall pass and your TRUE friends will still (and always) be TRUE. I really does suck when you perceptions/belief of a relationship get shattered on the Target floor, but a real friend would speak up about any issue and forget it after discussion. Hang tough. I enjoy reading your blog.
Hey Diva:
I'm feeling your pain, having gone through that recently and really still going through that since this person is someone whom I'm inextricably linked here due to our involvement in a group that takes a giant chunk of my life. It hurts. It's painful. I've directly asked this woman why? And, she ignored me. I'm getting a little pissed now. SHE should be damn well honored that I was her friend. I'm a dang good friend. But I'm a dang good enemy too ;)
Tater is so sweet, she's a great friend (and sis.) Buck up, kiddo. I think that person just made Santa's naughty list.
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