Thanksgiving Weekend Headlines

"Homeowners Lose Living Room Furniture": Wednesday morning, rural Ottawa County homeowners, The Divas, began shuffling furniture around their house in an attempt to create more room. The toyroom became their bedroom, their old bedroom became a tween's bedroom and their youngest child now has a bunk bed all to herself. This sounds like a story with a happy ending, right? Wrong. In the middle of the hubbub, the family lost their living room furniture. The husband had this to say, "I know we have a couch, but I'll be damned if I can find it." The wife was unavailable for comment - she was buried in a pile of toys, looking for the recliner.

"Another Kitten Dies in Mysterious Accident": After more than 30 cats have met their demise at a particular residence, the authorities were finally called in to investigate. Yet another kitten gave up the last of its nine lives on Wednesday at the Diva Ranch. "Lady", as she was called by the family's children, was fine as she trotted onto the carport Wednesday afternoon, when she suddenly fell to the ground and began having an apparent seizure. Redneck Diva, the female suspect in this series of feline deaths, was quoted as saying, "I was putting something in the dresser when Sam [her son] busted in the back door and said the cat had had a heart attack and died. I was a bit suspicious, so I went out to investigate. Sure enough, that kitten was dead as a doornail." Investigation has shown that the kitten's back was broken as a direct result of its climbing up under the homeowners' brother-in-law's car while it was parked. When he started the engine, the cat was obviously mortally wounded. No arrests have been made.

"Child Star Gets Big Break": Abby Diva has made her way into the Broadway scene after repeatedly re-enacting the final moments of her kitten's life for family members over the Thanksgiving holiday. "That kid has real talent," a family member was heard saying. Another family member said, "It'll probably land her in therapy one of these days, but that kid sure can act like a dying cat. It nearly brought me to tears."


"Sisters Go On Much-Needed, Yet Irresponsible Shopping Spree": Diva and Tater, two sisters from the Miami area, set out on Friday afternoon to start and finish their Christmas shopping. Disappointment was met several times throughout the day when they were told repeatedly that the item they were seeking had been sold out since 6:05 that morning. "That's what we get for sleeping in," said Diva. The two weren't daunted, however, and kept on shopping. While sitting at a bench eating pretzels, the two discussed how their daughters will never wear some of the current trends seen on other shoppers. "I feel like I'm in a time-warp," said Tater. "I keep seeing leggings under mini-skirts and big hair. It's like the 90's have come back to haunt us." The shopping spree ended after the sisters successfully walked the entire mall, visited Kohl's, Lane Bryant and Target and finished up at Wal*Mart. They returned to their respective residences after midnight.

"Breaking news: Husbands Who Strangle Their Wives on Thanksgiving Saturday": Story in progress.

"Furniture Found": The Divas found their living room furniture on Saturday afternoon, authorities report. Detectives were on the scene when Redneck Diva found her big chair and couch. "It's the welcome end of a long investigation," says one investigator. "They can finally watch TV again."

"Apple to Apples Spurs Loud Raucous Laughter Among Cousins": Tater Bug brought her own personal board game "Apples to Apples" to a family Thanksgiving dinner last night. The cousins gathered around the table were unsure of the game's "fun factor" after hearing the directions read, but decided to give it a try regardless. What ensued was nearly 2 hours of hysteria, wild margarita spilling and an unidentified source says that a hot pink flamingo necklace was involved. The family recouperates today.