Seems my darling, duchess-y friend, Jen, has tagged me with a rather bizarre meme, so I'm going to do this while I try to drown out the sounds of WWE on the living room TV with some Nat King Cole.
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? Hands down, no question - Yzma Dermadouche. (Some of you know who I'm talking about, some of you don't. If you have to know that bad, email me.) She is not a nice person. In fact, I'd go so far as to say she's eeeeeeeee-vil!
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Even though I don't consider what he puts out to be actual music, I'm going to say Marilyn Manson. He and Yzma can rot together for all I care. In fact, that'd be pretty cool to put those two together and watch her fuh-reak out. Ooh I'm particularly evil tonight myself. Shame on me.
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Well, since I'm already having an evil daydream involving the big, wet tongue kiss that Marilyn Manson puts on ol' Yzma Dermdouche, I'm going to say that I'd like to punch The Jerkfaces. I'm normally a lover, not a fighter, but I bet I could punch those three. Or at least two of them anyway.
4. What is the best kind of cheese? I know Hillbilly Mom and Mrs. Coach expect me to write "free cheese" here, and while it is some dang fine cheese, I'm going to have to go with a good medium cheddar on this one.
5.You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. Squishy white Wonder Bread, mustard on both slices, shaved turkey and ham, thin sliced cheddar cheese, red onion slices, and dill pickle slices. Now THAT is a sandwich!
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once (they will never call you back). Laugh and I will cut you - Tom Hanks. Something about him just does it for me.
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Same rules as above. Who is it? Trace Adkins, no question. I'd have that ponytail all tangled around my fingers and ..... is it hot in here?
8.Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy cow, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? A new tattoo, what else?
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where do you go? North Carolina - to heck with my husband and his whiny need for me to "take care of the children".
10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, where are you gonna go to spend that? I'm not sure! I'd have to rely on the infinite wisdom of Cousin Stacey to guide me in the right direction.
11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. "Be brand-specific" it says. (Wow, it's obviously not a Southern Baptist angel.) Umm....I'm going to have to go with the ol' apple martini.
12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? Hmm...maybe high school. I might play a little harmless havoc behind the scenes. Nothing future-altering, though - I might end up married to that skinny guy that I thought was All That and it turns out he was just Not That.
13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? No Jerkfaces allowed!! I think that's a pretty good way to start. And I'm the decider. If I decide you are an Jerkface you are sent off to where Marilyn Manson and Yzma are making out for all of perpetuity.
14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? Well, personally I think my life would make a rather hilarious sitcom. I'd go with something along the lines of Roseanne (but more couth) with some Seinfeldian themes. I'm thinking just titling it "Redneck Diva" would be okay. People usually chuckle when I say it. It works.
15. What is your favorite expletive? The f-word is by far the BEST cuss word ever. Ever. But I'm also partial to As*hat, the ol' standby SH*T, and depending on the situation I channel my Grandma Wilson and blurt out "Sh*t, p*ss and corruption!"
16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? Do something to scare the heck outta my husband and hope that he takes out one or two when he swings at me because I scared him when waking him up.
17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the one thing you're going to save from that blazing inferno? My purse.
18.The Angel Of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel Of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? Spend it 'nuggling my babies and giving my husband instructions and calling my mom to tell her that my husband is clueless and she'll have to help him out. Man, what a depressing question.
19.You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? The ability to be two places at once. As a mom I find that this would come in handy more often than not.
20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to relive again? I have no idea. I can't even begin to choose.
21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count) Oh gosh, the loss of our first baby was devastating and as much as I miss him, I have to stick to my feelings that everything happens for a reason and no matter how horrible it was, we were supposed to go through it. And the countless broken hearts were necessary to get me where I am today.... So I guess I have to answer "nothing" even though it "doesn't count". Like, who's going to come along and throw me into detention for it?
22.You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out...you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now? Canada. Eh.
23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under twenty-one. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? The Miami ELKS LODGE!!! Because Mrs. Coach will surely visit me there!!
24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question. If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out...Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first? Well, I'd immediately float to Tater's house and holler to her, "DUDE! LOOK! I CAN SO FLOAT!!"
25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier have given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which late celebrity will you bring back to life? Will they be any fun? Johnny Carson. He rocked.
26.The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? As long as he could return her in full health, I'd say Memaw. She suffered so much here on earth, I'd hate for anyone to return to that after having been in heaven. But I miss her so much! If I could have her back and healthy....that'd be awesome.
27. What's your theme song? If I Had $1,000,000 by Barenaked Ladies.
I'm not tagging anyone, but if you want to play along, let me know in the comments so I can check it out! It was actually a pretty fun meme.
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