Penis drama

I hope Jill doesn't strangle me for telling this story, but my gosh how could I not? It's just too good.

This morning Kady and Chandler were playing normally, dancing around, entertaining the babies when I called them into the kitchen for a drink. I got out the small their-size pitcher so they can pour their own milk now and oh, how they were tickled! But as I got the pitcher out of the fridge to show them I noticed that Chan had both hands holding onto the front of his shorts in what appeared to me to be a deathgrip. I asked him if he had to pee and with a desperate look on his face he said, "No. But Kiki, my pee-pee hurts REAL BAD!" I took this to mean that he had to pee so bad it hurt. So I ushered him down the hall quickly so there would be no accident. I said, "Do you have to pee really bad and your belly hurts?" He shook his head frantically and said, "NO! My pee-pee hurts!!" I said, "Well, go pee and we'll see if it makes you feel better." Then the kids dropped his drawers and out sprang a very swollen, angry red penis. Oy vey. I gasped, which is never good for keeping a child's panic at bay and said, "Oh. Wow. That is one unhappy penis there, buddy." He nodded his head in total agreement.

So what does one do when one encounters a penis like that on a child, but consult the backup - TaterSis to the rescue. I dragged her away from the computer to consult. She took one look at that thing and said, "Oh, that is so not normal." Okay, two opinions, both of them in agreement that something was definitely wrong in Penisville. I called the child's mom.

Now, while the vaginas outnumber the penises in the Diva house, I still have encountered my fair share of the more masculine genitalia and well, Sam's has never swelled like that. Ever. I will not comment on Mr. Diva's. We'll just leave it at that.

So after Jill and I conferred and I described exactly how her son's penis was looking we decided that it was probably irritation from maybe not getting rinsed well in the shower last night and I told her I'd put some Balmex on it and keep her posted. Oh and I also checked for a tick, but found no attached parasites to his nether region. God love his little heart, while I very gingerly smeared his little equipment with Balmex he was so brave. I know it had to have been sore. So after I had covered any affected skin with diaper rash cream I told him to kind of keep a hands off approach and not touch it too much. Ha. Tell that to a 3 year old male - "Keep your hands off your package there, buddyroe." Like that's going to happen.

By naptime it was still not right, but not worse either. I sent him off to nap and when Jill called she told me to check him when he got up from nap and call her if it was worse. So after his nap I followed him into the bathroom and when he pulled his pants down this time I not only gasped but bit my lip and tried not to scream. It was HUGE. And even angrier than before. I called his momma immediately and said, "It my son's penis looked like that I would have him at the doctor's office for sure. " That was all it took. She said, "I'll call you back" and called the doctor's office. She got him an appointment for 4 and said she was tying up things at work and would be out to get him shortly. In the meantime I got his shoes on him and fixed his hair. When we got back up to the living room to watch Dora the Explorer he said, "Kiki, what would make my pee-pee do that? Why does it hurt?" I said, "Sweetie, I'm not sure, but momma's gonna take you to the doctor and I'm sure the doctor can figure it out. But I know one thing, that is one very unhappy penis you've got there." He said, "Yeah. And it's unhealthy, too." Definitely.

Jill got here and said, "Chandler, do you mind if Momma looks at your pee-pee to see what's going on before we head off to the doctor?" Heck, he didn't care. He'd shown it off to me all day long. She pulled out the front of his shorts and immediately let them snap back into place. "OH MY GOSH! I wasn't expecting to see THAT!" It was even worse then it had been the last time I had checked it. Poor little guy. He was taking it all in stride and I've gotta give him some serious credit for his bravery and awesome attitude.

Turns out, it was a mosquito bite. He had played outside in his underwear yesterday and evidently some curious mosquito had wandered into Penisville for lunch. So now he's on an antibiotic and has to have cortisone cream applied as needed. The doctor said that because the penis is uhm . . . well, because the very nature of a penis is to expand due to the extra skin on it that when there is imflammation it will just swell and swell and swell to fill up the extra space. She said she'd actually seen worse. Oy.

Mr. Diva was incredibly sympathetic and crossed his legs unconsciously as I told the story. Jill said Chan's daddy actually kind of teared up when he saw it. When she told her boss, a man, that she needed to leave work and why, he said, "Forget the doctor's office. Take that boy straight to the ER!" Seems men are awfully sympathic when one of them has a minor penis issue, but when a woman is in labor and trying to push a head the size of a small basketball through her stubborn vagina they can stand back and say, "Eh. You ain't the first woman to give birth."